The end of a marriage with separation or divorce can be a very painful phase in one’s life. Lots of anger, resentment, hurt, and life-changing circumstances all contribute to a very distressing time that is not only emotionally but physically exhausting. While friends and family are often seen telling someone going through a divorce to “move on,” this is easier said than done. Reema Ahmed, NLP Life Coach, Counselor, Trauma Healer and author of “Unparenting – Sharing Awkward Truths with Curious Kids” tells us about some important things that people going through a divorce or those around them can do to make the journey a little easier. Can do to make it less difficult.
Divorce rates may have gone up, but that doesn’t make it any less painful
Interestingly, Reema Ahmed shared that with the divorce rate rising, a mindset has developed that divorce is not a big deal. “People can often be heard saying that every other person getting a divorce should move on quickly etc. go home with them, maybe have kids, and then break away from them as if that person is in our lives didn’t exist,” says Reema. She says there is a silent sadness about divorce that is not acknowledged and socially, there is not enough space to recognize the sadness. “Many times, that sadness and anger — often, divorces are acrimonious — become too internalized. It’s not healthy as resentment builds up, and more often than not, we take it out on our children or other family members and friends. . We are not able to concentrate on work. So as a community, we should understand that yes, divorces are happening more than ever but that doesn’t make divorce something casual or something that doesn’t hurt. ”
Ahmed explains that when someone gets married there are many people with you to celebrate but when you are getting divorced you are alone. “Individual rituals can be created for saying goodbye to a relationship when one is ready. But it takes a lot of support and a handshake from family and friends to make it possible. So in short, don’t take someone else’s divorce lightly.” Don’t look away; and if you’re going through it yourself, make room for the sadness and change the circumstances.”
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seek professional advice, counseling
When going through or considering a divorce, it is important to seek professional help or counseling. Ahmed says this will ensure there’s a professional who can help you figure out daily habits that can help you feel better. “It can help you understand or recover from any abuse, or process anger and hurt. Also, professionals can give you advice about litigating and co-parenting. Counseling can also help your ego. Separation helps a lot. Especially when you have kids and your attitude is such that you are ready to “punish the other person”, it is of no use. It only adds to the pain. Professionals teach you that your self-esteem, or your needs,” shares Ahmed.
ask friends for help
Trust friends. Actively ask them for support. Ahmed says to sometimes ask your friends to babysit so they can go out and get some rest; Maybe go to a spa or retreat. Or just take a walk. Not everyone can buy luxurious things. But simple things like getting out of the house for a walk can make a big difference. So as much as possible, make sure you have some support structure in family and friends, people you can lean on and share with so you don’t internalize things or pass on hurt, resentment, and negativity to your kids. Do not pass
keep the kids out of your fights
No matter what happens between the two of you, your children will always share a parent who will be important in their lives. Ahmed says it’s important that the kids make up their own minds about the other parent and that you don’t badmouth or badmouth your ex-spouse in front of them. “Marriage hurts when you divorce, but if you pass the anger on to your kids, you’re feigning your own wound and giving that perspective to your kids. A great way to handle things.” Of course, in marriages where there has been abuse, the situation is different, but for others, it can and should be done,” shares Ahmed.
learn to let go, don’t retaliate
Ahmed says there is a trend seen among Indian couples – often patriarchal men – who find it difficult to let go and even have an attitude of, ‘How dare he leave me’. While the hurt is real, this kind of attitude doesn’t help either of the partners or the children, if they are there. You’re just draining yourself financially and emotionally and ruining the other person as well. This is not good for emotional and mental health. If things aren’t working out, have the sense to let the other person go if that’s what they want. “Of course, everyone should try to make things work because marriage is a commitment; do your best but if it’s not working and it’s clear the other person wants out, please let them go. You can’t hold people captive, or force them to live with you. Scolding them, not giving mutual divorces – all this only complicates everything. You won’t be able to think about life ahead,” says Ahmed. .
Are you ready to date again? be careful
Be careful if you are venturing into the world of dating. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a second chance but as Ahmed points out, if you are not in a position to be with someone else emotionally and legally, it is a little unfair to even include another person in your life. “There is also a possibility that you yourself will be so unstable that you will not be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Try listening to yourself first: how you feel inside, if you are internally stable, So are you healthy space,” says Reema. She says that people often feel that the fault is of the other person and that they had no role in the marriage breaking up. “This is rarely true (except in abusive marriages); most of the time, marriages break up because of both people involved, so it’s important to have self-awareness and understand that ‘this is the part I played’. Unless You don’t reach that space, you don’t have clarity. You will always project things onto others and the same will be true for any other person you date. So be aware of this before starting a new relationship Be aware of where you are emotionally, spiritually and sexually.