NEW YORK – Rachel Perry didn’t cry and cried until a month after she left her abusive husband.
“I finally realized that I was no longer under the thumb of this monster. It was a moment of exhalation, a moment of freedom,” Perry told The Times of Israel.
The mother of eight, who requested to use a pseudonym to protect her and her children’s privacy, had considered leaving her several times. In addition to considering children’s well-being, Perry said she lacks the financial independence and educational skills to make it up on her own. Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, years of living with someone who was bullied, humiliated, and intimidated, it became harder to leave.
“The hardest part for anyone is getting out,” Perry said. “Even after you acknowledge the issue, it’s crazy glue that can keep someone out there — especially when kids are involved. I have eight kids, some of whom have special needs.”
Although Perry was eventually able to leave her marriage and get a level of financial support from her community, a report released this past spring by Jewish Women’s International (JWI) found that not all denominations meet significant survivor needs in Jewish communities. have happened. From safe housing to legal aid, from proper training to financial aid for clergy, support systems are sorely lacking, the report found.
“The Jewish community is failing survivors and their children by not focusing on their needs. Survivors value the Jewish community, but often feel stigmatized by it,” JWI Chief Program Officer Deborah Rosenbloom in a Zoom interview said. “We found that the biggest difference was how to make the community safer and more welcoming.”
Jewish Women’s International Chief Program Officer Deborah Rosenbloom. (courtesy)
Across the country, one in four women and one in seven men experience abuse in their lifetime. Still, the idea that “it doesn’t happen here” persists, said Dr. Shoshanna Friedman, executive director of the Shalom Task Force, which works to help survivors of domestic violence.
“Broadly speaking, we accept that it happens. We don’t accept that it happens here. It’s Haredi, Sepoy, Reform. It’s someone else. Whatever stereotype people hold about another group Fill it in, and the result is disastrous,” said Friedman, who has 20 years of experience in the field.
finding a safe landing
The report found that the biggest hurdles faced by survivors were finding adequate transitional housing and affordable permanent housing once they decided to leave the abusive situation.
“There are also service gaps in the macro population and in the Jewish community. The needs of the Jewish community are unique – the need for culturally sensitive shelters. Other religious symbols can make someone feel uncomfortable. It’s just not kosher.” [food] Or keeping Shabbat,” said Eden Mitrani, who graduated from Touro College in New York with a master’s degree in social work.
Now a doctoral candidate, Mitrani focuses on domestic violence in the Jewish community. She recently came in first in her category in the New York City Business Plan Competition and aims to open a kosher domestic violence shelter in Nassau County.
Mitrani said that without a place to go, many women would fall back into abusive situations.
Social activist and doctoral candidate Eden Mitrani says Jewish communities are not equipped to handle the needs of domestic abuse survivors. (courtesy)
For example, it took years for Perry to leave her husband partly because there was no readily available housing.
When Perry left her ex-husband, she stayed in the house they rented together, and her ex-husband moved out. She sought a place at a women’s shelter unaffiliated to the Jewish community, and although she had an eviction notice pending, she was told the shelter had no openings for months.
Then her ex-husband tried to enter again. Perry didn’t feel safe in her home, but she had nowhere else to go.
“It was quite scary. He came back into the house, opened the refrigerator, started making demands on me and scaring the kids. He was yelling and threatening me,” Perry said. “My eldest daughter was so frightened. Turns out she called the police and Shomrim [Jewish neighborhood watch group]. The Shomrim volunteer was able to release him and the police prevented him from attacking me. The police report of that incident helped me get the order of protection.”
While Perry eventually moved away from her community, some want to remain. They want continued access to synagogues, schools, youth groups and overall Jewish life, without having to start in a new place.
Dr. Shoshana Friedman, Executive Director of the Shalom Task Force, told the students about safety and domestic violence. (courtesy)
“There is a tendency to mix leaving an insecure relationship with leaving the community. It’s all about safety, but it’s extremely important to understand that we have a communal responsibility to ensure that a survivor can live in their community,” Friedman said. “We have to be non-judgmental as a community. and must ask, ‘Why should the survivor leave the community to get what they want – which is protection?'”
To achieve that level of security, according to the report, organizations should explore partnerships with businesses like Airbnb to help meet housing needs and Lyft to help with transportation costs. For example, Project Sarah, a nonprofit based in New Jersey, partnered with the state of New Jersey to offer hotels as a temporary housing option.
control through the courts
According to JWI Attorney Roberta “Rob” Valente, litigation abuse is common in domestic violence cases. As such, it is important to increase funding to Jewish domestic violence programs to ensure that there is at least one trauma-informed attorney with expertise in family law on staff, she said.
“Abusers often have better resources and access to smarter attorneys. They learn what the legal line is and move against it. They know what to say and know that the courts will ‘let those mothers’ ‘Let dad do it’ is biased towards the line of thinking,” Valente said.
Roberta Valente is an attorney with Jewish Women International and one of the authors of a recent report on the American Jewish community’s ability to respond to domestic abuse. (courtesy)
Although Valen said there is often no shortage of people who want to volunteer to help people achieve protective orders, they often lack the right background. Without proper training or knowing the abuse terminology, anyone can re-traumatize the client.
As a licensed clinical social worker and director of Project Sarah, Shira Pomrantz said survivors often tell her they want to better understand their rights in custody and alimony disputes. The nonprofit, which serves people in New Jersey, often invites trauma-informed attorneys to speak to support groups and connect survivors to resources.
The Shalom task force has three trauma-informed lawyers and a paralegal who can accompany the survivors as they navigate both the civil and religious Jewish court system. They are equipped to address issues related to Get, or Jewish writ of divorce, and helping survivors secure tuition to private Jewish schools, which are ideal for observant Jews but can also be very costly, Friedman said.
A Call to the Pastors
Beyond issues related to housing and finance, the JWI report found that Jewish clergy need better training in dealing with domestic violence.
Although most clergy are interested in helping survivors of domestic abuse, many do not know how to implement protection plans for survivors, how to respond to a domestic violence emergency or crisis, or How to respect the safety needs of survivors over the course of life. cycle events.
“I think Jewish organizations really should find ways to make people feel safe. There was no security plan in my synagogue,” said one survivor cited in the report, who wished to remain anonymous.
“When I told him about my situation, he said he had no protocol and had no connection with the domestic violence programme. Now they do. I think a rabbi should be prepared to understand how to make a synagogue safe. I have seen both parents are in a synagogue and it is not safe even in our preschool,” said the survivor.
For years, Perry told herself that being with her abuser was better than attacking yourself. She believed that as long as the abuse was directed only at her, she could cope.
Then her ex-husband started targeting his eldest daughter and she realized that this should not happen.
“Here it was outwardly a very pious, very Jewish man who spoke beautiful Torah, but crushed my spirit and tried to control me,” Perry said. “Then I realized that continuing to live in a home where there was so much panic and anger was much worse than going through the hard part, process, and uncertainty of quitting. I decided that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like this.” I will.”